Futurism

Yesterday, on a walk with my mother between classes, we discussed my school career. This "career" of mine has never felt like it was on track, to me anyway. I've been to three different colleges in 3 years. It's been fun, but it's also been ridiculous.
We talked about how her own experiences have been so much different than mine. For example, she left her home at 17, didn't go to college, and has been working ever since. In a nutshell, she asked me to please figure my shit out. My mom wants me to be happy and wants me to not feel like school is a waste, because I currently do feel that way.
Afterwards, I went to Vera's for a good ol' chat. We talked about a lot-- what we've been through, and how it can help us now with what we want to achieve. During the conversation I realized how happy I would be busting my ass in photography. And when I've got my heart full from that, I can keep going to school for things like Art History, or whatever I may choose then. The art school I've always had my heart set on is CCA in Oakland. Today I plan to find out what it takes to get a loan, and things of that nature. Vera and I also decided we should get a place in Oakland or that area, and I'm now beginning to feel a little happier about my situation. I'm glad to have someone like her in my life.
Around 6pm, Lloyd, Vera's father, who I consider to be fairly wise and honest, let me know that it would be best to drop the class I should've been leaving for at that time. It was the answer I'd been waiting to hear from someone, someone who agreed with me. If the best I can get in a class is 75%, then why bother? I then stayed until midnight eating a delicious pesto-chicken-pasta dinner, playing Scrabble, watching Family Guy, and indirectly ignoring my boyfriend.
I hadn't talked to him all day... since about 2pm, anyway. He texted me at 8. You could (or maybe you couldn't) imagine he was a little off-put when he found out I was again at Vera's instead of spending time with him... Is it wrong that I don't care too much? At this point in my life, I'm not going to distance myself from my close friends. If nothing else, I'd like to be accepted into a loving household rather than disregarded in a hostile one.
Anyway... we exchanged a handful of text messages last night, and a couple today. No loving words, no i-miss-you's, nothing... I'm not in the greatest mood because of it, but I'm not upset or overjoyed either. The past few days I've been so overwhelmed with thought, that I haven't really given him any. I feel weird about it. We've been together for 6 months now. We should still be fresh, exciting, fun, and at least loving... I dont get it. My mom told me, "not everyone is meant for each other". I don't really want to accept that fact right now.

Today I was awoken at 5:50am by Vera, who informed me she'd be at my house to get me around 6:30am. Last night we planned to get up, go with her dad to his dialysis center, and hangout/exercise while he was receiving treatment.
We frequented in and out of the building as we got food, smoked, and jogged. The jog session was about an hour and a half, and my thighs are still throbbing. Vera helped her dad's medical assistant in some tube changing as I tried not to vomit, and I'm so white that I got a little sun-kissed on the jog.





His treatment finished early, so we took off and headed for Its A Grind to refill our decaffeinated souls... Then filled a prescription at Kaiser, and bought some yumyums at Safeway, before they took me home. Now I'm here... feeling absolutely grungy, and exhausted. I'd like to nap, but I'd also like to be so tired that I want to sleep early, in order to get up early again for work at 7:30 tomorrow morning. We'll see. Goodnight.

Count the headlights on the highway.

Last night, Vera and I talked for about 2 hours about past guys. Its so interesting how a few years, a few months, or even a few hours affects who we are now. So so many stories....
I'm pretty excited to turn 21. Not that I have crazy money to celebrate with, but I'm just ready for the new world of bars and all that comes with it. And from what I've heard/witnessed, it's a time to be had. And no, I don't currently feel saddened because I am "missing out".
I'm feeling incredibly behind in half of my classes: speech and photography. I think I might drop speech, its super lame. I could easily catch up in photography, but I've been ever-so lazy. I've never felt like an idiot before in a photo class, and let me tell you its not fun to feel like you "suck" or "can't do" something you very much enjoy.
I've taken to playing Scrabble with Vera and her family. Games are usually accompanied with red wine and slices of apples and parmesean. Oh, bonding.
Last night, I brought up the fact (to Vera) that not only had I spent Valentine's with her, my boyfriend and I had also forgotten our own anniversary. It makes my stomach twist a little thinking about it, but other than that I'm at ease. What's wrong with me? After some verbal observation, I realized I'm in that rut. Not the stuck-rut, but the comfortable-rut. The comfortable-rut allows relationships an excess of carelessness and one-sided arguments. Now, how do I go about solving something like this? I'm too stubborn to admit I'm boring, or unthoughtful, or a "bad" girlfriend... Because I'm not. But, what happened? I still get butterflies when I see him, but after those initial few minutes, its the same routine of: making something to eat, sitting in my bed to watch television, messing around, and going home. I love my boyfriend, but I am unaware of where to begin to fix this.
I guess I'm glad I was buzzed enough last night to bring it up to him. Today, hopefully there will be answers.